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Mitt Romney: 2 Drink Minimum

Since his early 2000’s hip hop career hasn’t panned out, Mitt Romney is heading to a brick wall stage near you.  Everybody’s favorite Mormon Robot® is cracking jokes at President Obama’s expense while campaigning for Karl Rove bitches like Joni Ernst.

Here’s the joke Mitt “Gallagher” Romney told Ernst supporters in Iowa on Sunday:

President Obama went to the bank to cash a check and he didn’t have his ID. And the teller said you’ve got to prove who you are. 

He said, “How should I do that?” She said the other day Phil Mickelson came in, he didn’t have his ID but he set up a little cup on the ground, took a golf ball, putted it right into that cup so they knew it was Phil Mickelson. They cashed his check.

And then Andre Agassi came in. And Andre Agassi didn’t have his ID either. He put a little target on the wall, took a tennis ball and racquet– hit it onto that target time. We knew that was Andre Agassi so we cashed his check.

And she said to him, “Is there anything you can do to prove who you are?” And [Obama] said, “I don’t have a clue.”

And she said, “Well, Mr. President, do you want your money in small bills or large bills.”

Ha. Which means all I have to do is go to the bank and act like an asshole to get my money.

With the ID thing I thought it was gonna go down the ‘show us your ID, ya Kenyan!’ route but instead Mitt chose the milquetoasty good ole ‘he hasn’t done anything route.’

But the problem is that it wasn’t even funny. Sure, he’s got headlines but at the same time he looks like a fucking cartoon (more so than normal).

Why not stick to his wheelhouse? Just get on the microphone and criticize the President by acting like he hasn’t done anything, which is not true. Mitt Romney cracking jokes that his grandson’s would probably roll their eyes at (take out the ‘Obama’ part and insert cousin ‘Stew’) screams of someone who just doesn’t get what their political identity is.

Are you the stuffy white guy with a shit-ton of money who cares deeply for the nation or are you Karl Rove with a wig who rubs one out every time Obama frowns?

At this point, people gon’b’hatin’ on Obama until he’s out of office but Mitt, he gets to stay looking bitter and ruinous ’cause he wasn’t chosen for the kickball team.  And nobody laughs with the kid sitting on the bench who didn’t get picked, they laugh AT him.

Until he buys out the kickball team!

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